Day 29: Letter to the Person I Want to Tell Everything to, but Too Afraid to

Dear You (again, for whom the previous letter was written to),

Some may call this letter an act of cowardice. Some will say it’s pathetic and lame. As for me, everything I’ll say here comes from my heart. It may not really be as sweet as one expects, but I’ll attempt to, not just for the sakes of today’s topic. I have no assurance as well as to whether you’ll spend some of your busy time to read this. However, in case you don’t, I will seriously spill everything to you one day, behind crying eyes and a one-way plane ticket. Sadly, that would be terribly late already.

You know me. I am a person of big dreams. In everything I do and enjoy, I always try to find passion in them. I am happy that so far, I am successful in this conquest. As long as I can see bright rainbow colors shining in front of me, I’ll never tire of chasing after them. I can’t seem to stop running, and that infinite lap keeps my spirits alive and kicking.

As I’ve always told you in sad and sometimes excited notes, I really want to get a doctorate (PhD) title in the profession I’ve chosen — chemistry that is. Having those three letters attached to my name gives me a feeling of extreme accomplishment — or actually the start of something great I can picture myself in. Yes, I am not only big in terms of height. I dream big as well. I bigly dream of big dreams.

Taking a PhD in Chemistry requires no Masters of Science degree. Yet, it will demand at least five years of solid commitment. Other options include other countries like Japan, Australia, and European nations. Those on the other hand, require an MS degree, which one normally takes for two years. The PhD path is an additional three years. Either way, it’s five years of my life I can picture myself away from you.

While I’ve already told you my feelings already, I haven’t really told the entirety of it. Every time we’re together seems to be the best chance. Yet every moment I hear your cheery laughs and your spontaneous cheers, my heart is pierced with a rusty knife. It seems I can’t afford to be away from your happy personality — I can’t imagine smiling again without you (yeah, the song but I feel exactly the same thing). I can’t picture leaving you. And to think that I’ve been so afraid all-year long just because I think I am not yet ready. For the lame but somehow not really lame reason that I don’t have a PhD degree yet. Then again with the great person you are, you surely deserve a great someone. That’s why I want to be great. Greater than what I can actually dream of. Those thoughts run in my mind before I can actually open my mouth and I just come down with a sad frown.

I’m super afraid that when I come back after five years even with a doctorate, my eyes and hands will drop in total sadness. I want to erase that fact. But that means I need to stay here. However staying here means I need to stop running already.

The Bible says we cannot serve two masters at the same time. Science claims that as the law of impenetrability. I cannot be here in this place looking forward to bonding with you while I attempt to further my career abroad. Going back to the Bible, from the Book of Ecclesiastes, there is a time and place for everything. In chemistry, we have to add strong acid to deionized water first, never the other way around.

Getting a PhD in Chemistry… More than an achievement I can proudly attach to my name anytime, that would be my ultimate thank you to you.

Can you wait for me? Five years. Seven if it comes to worse. I’m off to a journey (one to two years from now) to become the perfect man for the awesome woman — you. As I set to leave you, I promise that when I come back home, I’ll be a better human being — even better than the person you’ve shaped me to be. Only utter that promise and I’ll never have the doubts and fears I am currently feeling now.

My overflowing love for you,
Troy

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