Metaphysical Unease Beyond Human Comprehension

After review school today, I went to Ateneo to just chill (fine, to study more which sort of ended up in me sleeping). The day went slow as usual, with nothing exciting happening in between. I was about to leave at dusk when I met my BS MSE thesis mentor, Dr. Epe Enriquez, along the foyer of Schmitt Hall. He was surprised to see me in Ateneo on a weekend. After showing me with glee his new pet (a snake, which he got from his room), he offered me a ride to the Our Lady of Pentecost Church, where I was supposed to hear anticipated Sunday Mass.

The conversation inside the car, was just some plain kamustahan of where I was working now and some thoughts on the upcoming Chemistry Boards. I arrived at my destination and bade him so long.

I look up to a lot of people, especially those who have done outstanding stuff in my fields of interests. Doc Epe happens to be one of them. Who wouldn’t idolize this man who once topped the 19xx Chemistry Board exams and done an endless list of valuable research and publication afterwards? (Google his scientist profile to be amazed like me.) In everything he does and fancies, he seems to be always tired but happy and fulfilled. I’ve never seen such busy man brimming with a positive energy so far. And so before I graduated the second time, I told myself, I want to be like Sir.

The decisions I have made and am making so far however seems to be not what Sir did when he was my age. Before I came to this part of my life, let me share that I was so unsure with what to do. Talk about what I like. I WANT BOTH OPTION A AND B. Of same levels. You may tell me that I’m barking mad but it really is the case. In the end, I took option B. It’s just a month since I started and so far I’m contented.

But every time I get to have an opportunity to talk with Sir (like this afternoon), I can’t help but feel how far I am from him. I can’t help but imagine that maybe what he was able to achieve was something I can never ever do. Those fears are biting me. In the end, I’m fearing for a future that has never happened. The result is unrest in what is yet to come. In existential terms, metaphysical unease.

What follows is I tend to question myself if those decisions I have been making are correct and if they have any worth at all. And every time I feel such, I get super sad. 😦 It’s as if I’m asking the wind for answers and he never replies to me.

Well, what I just tell myself is that I have a year or so more. Definitely I’m gonna get a PhD (and an MBA) sometime before my thirties. Just wait and see. I’m gonna make Doc Epe proud of me.


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