(Which are certified wins, even for the non-chemist. :D)
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it, I can never remember that word.”
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water”.
A Chemical is a Substance that:
An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
A biochemist turns into a helix.
A chemical engineer turns into a profit.
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Little Willie was a chemist,
Little Willie is no more.
What he thought was H2O,
Little Johnny took a drink,
Now he shall drink no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Classification of Chemistry
Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds, biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate! (Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?!)
What quote did Descartes come up with in his organic chemistry class?
I think, therefore I amide.
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?”
“No, I lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
Rules of the Lab:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles–rely on them.
Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
Chemist’s last words:
And now the tasting test…
And now shake it a bit…
In which glass was my mineral water?
Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
And now the detonating gas problem.
This is a completely safe experimental setup.
Now you can take the protection window away…
Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
And now a cigarette…
A physical chemist is a student who goes to university thinking he might want to be a physicist, but gets intimated by the math.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help to make water. So, somcetimes it’s brother against brother.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Activation Energy is the useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
How chemists do it…
Chemists do it reactively.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in equilibrium.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in an excited state.
Chemists do it periodically on table.
Chemists do it organically and inorganically.
Electrochemists do it with greater potential.
Polymer chemists do it in chains.
Pharmaceutical chemists do it with drugs.
Analytical chemists do it with precision and accuracy.
You Might Be a Chemist if…
you carry your lab safety goggles around with you at all times, just in case…
you don’t drink water, you drink H2O.
you start disagreeing with movies and TV shows on scientific aspects.
you carry a base solution around with you at all times, just in case one of those freak hydrochloric acid spills happen.
you become very agitated when people refer to air as Oxygen, and proceed to list all of the components of air.
instead of writing ozone you write O3.
you start referring to the smell of nail polish remover as an acetone smell.
you no longer ask for Tylenol, you ask for acetaminophen.
you actually enjoy going to Chemistry class.
you think a mole is a unit of amount, rather than a small furry animal in your lawn.
you pronounce unionized as “un-ion-ized”, instead of “union-ized”.
you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
you start explaining the condensation of water vapor every time your soda can has water drops and people think water is coming out of the can.